I am alive...

Over the past several weeks when I lost what I earlier wanted in life I've come to see the pattern of how things emerge when I am finally able to allow myself to think about things I had been blocking out.  It usually takes a few days- at first there is a thought and then the thought kind of vanishes.  Then there will be another small piece or idea- then it be like I am starting to know what I am thinking.  It is hard to explain because it is a strange process.  But it is strange too to not know fully all of my own thoughts in one space and instead to have them 'compartmentalized'.

I think the reason it takes a few days for me to fully form the thoughts is that there is a kind of 'sharing' happening in my brain and between the different streams of my thought.  And there is my dissociation and the difficulty of tolerating now things I'd not been able to tolerate in the past.

Anyway- I've become familiar with the pattern.

And oh what a week it's been... it was painful- but I am ok.  And I'm actually doing really well because this enormous thought/feeling that I needed to say has been said. So now I am feeling good.  And relieved.  And even when something feels 'off' or difficult.... I feel like I have this very different point of reference- a thing to remind myself of that pulls me back into reality and clarity- at the same time.  A new point of reference.  And the getting it out felt like it was going to KILL me.... but it didn't.  I do feel better.  A lot better.

GREEDY GADGET FREAK

A year ago I bought a mobile device. It was black, it was ugly, it was my first BlackBerry, and I loved it. I could now receive email 24 hours a day and keep abreast of the news wherever I found myself on the planet, something that proved to be very useful as I belonged to the financial services planet . It was not perfect by any means. Access to the internet was slow and inconsistent, but the email never failed, and it I really had to try hard to break it. Crucially, it was reliable and never failed.  My BlackBerry was essential. Just how essential it had become only became clear when it stopped working. It has stopped working many times before, but only as a result of my own carelessness.  My BlackBerry, one fine day, finally failed. Then the search began for a new addiction....I went back inside and began looking at iPhones, Samsumg Galaxys and even Nokia phones, wondering which mobile device maker I would have to work deal with. It was a horrible moment. None of them had the same keyboard, and i was afraid of touch screens just are not my thing. Finally after a lot of discussions, advices and research I got myself a Samsung Galaxy Note - a superb combination of phone + tablet and thats what attracted me to it. I am now in love with my phoneblet but today again I have a desire when I came across an article on iPhone 5................GREEDY GADGET FREAK is all I am!

How do you want the world to miss you?

On my chat window, after a while, I realized that I was missing a few alphabets and using a few words repeatedly. We all, I suppose, usually omit random alphabets while writing. What took my attention today was that I was omitting only that one alphabet...(no, i am not gonna write which one). I had developed the habit of using SMS lingo, all the time so its not a big deal but still, it bothered me. 

The other day, just visualised as I always turn my thoughts into imaginations....a scenario with my family and me. And then suddenly, I vanishing and lost from the scene. And then my memories getting erased from family’s minds. What was it after me? Did things change, how would they miss me? Nothing changed, I was just a fragment of imagination and present somewhere deep down the memory lane! My belongings did catch some attention and eventually forced them to think. They tried establishing my identity and their relationship with me. Then, they would try to understand habits related to me. But with time, habits erodes away too. My vanishing into the infinite followed by a short phase of vanishing habits will be all. They would eventually go on and wouldn’t place the omitted in their lives.

Don't we all try and figure this dilemma out? What is it when you are not in the big picture? How do you want to be missed? What is it that you want your people to relate you with?

I have had such friends in many phases of my life without whom I used to think life would cease to exist. Now I just remember their names and very few things related to those times spent with them. New people came in and took their places which obviously happened in a very gradual way. I got used to all of them till they vanished or were substituted. What bothers me the most is the fact that we people render nothing worthy, because everything and everyone, times spent in joy and oblivion, enemies and loved ones, at some point of time under some reasonable situations and circumstances can be logically forgotten.

We take pride at something and next moment we delete it. It doesn’t really matter, even if it is restored to its original place from the recycle bin. It loses it’s worth.

 Once omitted, remains omitted forever!

All humans draw the same lines!

In life, we encounter moments. Moments of love, sorrow, togetherness, solitude, friendship, craziness and much more! These moments let us discover ourselves.

There are times when people tell or rather judge us as we react to daily events in life, but we know ourselves better than anyone else and these life events act as an aid to help  us understand who we really are.

This is not a theory or philosophical conclusion but a feeling, a feeling that I discovered not when I experienced the same but when closed ones shared their moments and when I saw it happening with others too.  Hearing and witnessing it all, I felt that life is somehow similar for all of us in one or the other way. We all live through similar phases and react  to them in a not so different manner.

We are born, experience and see life through our parents eyes holding their hands. Then, we grow up, we learn   and feel life with a pure heart exploring all that comes in front of us, then we grow a little more older and try and mold our lives the way we want. Then comes desires, dreams and visions. We either catch these desires, or invent them on our own. We work towards getting the one we love, our favorite dress, that costly watch and much more and we all do it..... its just that there are a few variations in what we aspire for.

We all feel the same pain its just the intensity and the type that is different. We all like sad songs, solitude and alcohol when we are in the phase  of life where the drama takes over. That is the time all the motivational quotes and books become our best friends. That is how we rejuvenate and are born again. We discover and get over the phase and enter another one and life just keeps going on and on......

So, all us humans draw the same lines and walk  these lines in a similar manner. The only difference is the pace and style of it! 

State of mind

I so seem to hate everyone around me....ek kadvahat si hai zamaaane se just unable to control these illogical emotions!

OUTSOURCING mess and much more!

Being in the corporate world from almost 5  years now, I have sort of deeply analysed different corporate structures & functioning. and ALL that I have witnessed makes me think....

There is one thing that really amazes me and that is the way big/small corporates are preferring OUTSOURCING!

One thing that almost all companies prefer getting outsourced is the creatives....Now by creatives, I don't mean just the advertisement part of it but a lil more than that. Companies these days are getting all the new launches, product additions, marketing solutions, online media marketing, and much more outsourced. and That's what makes me wonder why do companies have their own marketing/sales/creative/product/design teams inhouse when almost everything is outsourced????? Either I am getting it wrong or companies like to spend extra money in getting one task done in two ways.

All these questions have hit my mind coz I have been seeing all these working patterns in almost all corporate structures I have come across. There is a product team but their major products are outsourced and all that the inhouse team does is launch it. There is a design team that works on the creatives and marketing of their stuff   but there is also a outsourced agency that does the same taking away a fat pay cheque every year. There is a whole lot of services that a company provides but there is a knowledge partner that does work for them in a similar way. PHEW! I see a whole lot of drainage of wealth here.....

I think its a good idea to get the best from the industry to do the work for you for your service requirement, it gives a better outcome but the question is why the in-house mess then? Doesn't it cost a whole lot of money to get one kinda work done in two ways forget money doesn't it wastes time and extra effort?

I guess its time for corporates to rethink their working style.....I mean its for their own good :)

Its an important day...

This day needs to be marked, this day will never be forgotten and this day buries all the other days :) Keep it coming, now life is crystal clear!