Over the past several weeks when I lost what I earlier wanted in life I've come to see the pattern of how things emerge when I am finally able to allow myself to think about things I had been blocking out. It usually takes a few days- at first there is a thought and then the thought kind of vanishes. Then there will be another small piece or idea- then it be like I am starting to know what I am thinking. It is hard to explain because it is a strange process. But it is strange too to not know fully all of my own thoughts in one space and instead to have them 'compartmentalized'.
I think the reason it takes a few days for me to fully form the thoughts is that there is a kind of 'sharing' happening in my brain and between the different streams of my thought. And there is my dissociation and the difficulty of tolerating now things I'd not been able to tolerate in the past.
Anyway- I've become familiar with the pattern.
And oh what a week it's been... it was painful- but I am ok. And I'm actually doing really well because this enormous thought/feeling that I needed to say has been said. So now I am feeling good. And relieved. And even when something feels 'off' or difficult.... I feel like I have this very different point of reference- a thing to remind myself of that pulls me back into reality and clarity- at the same time. A new point of reference. And the getting it out felt like it was going to KILL me.... but it didn't. I do feel better. A lot better.
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